Nickelback – Gotta Be Somebody

This time I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life
The one we all dream of
But dreams just aren’t enough
So I´ll be waiting for the real thing.
I’ll know it by the feeling.
The moment when we´re meeting
will play out like a scene straight off the silver screen
So I`ll be holdin’ my own breath
Right up to the end
Until that moment when
I find the one that I’ll spend forever with

`Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.
‘Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There`s gotta be somebody for me like that.

`Cause nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
There’s somebody else that feels the same somewhere.
There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.

Tonight, out on the street out in the moonlight
And dammit this feels too right
It´s just like Déjà Vu
Me standin’ here with you
So I´ll be holdin`my own breath
Could this be the end?
Is it that moment when
I find the one that I’ll spend forever with?

‘Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
‘Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There´s gotta be somebody for me like that.

`Cause nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
There’s somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.

You can´t give up!
Lookin´ for that diamond in the rough
You never know but when it shows up
Make sure you´re holdin` on
‘Cause it could be the one, the one you´re waiting on

‘Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There has gotta be somebody for me
Ohhhhhh.

Nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
Is there somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.

Nobody wants to be the last one there
‘Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Is there somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There has gotta be somebody for me out there.

I’m no superman, just a man

Decisions are always hard to make nowadays. Especially when you get older and older, experiences and responsibility is the two friends (or foe) that guide you all the way to you final decisions. No longer can we choose what we want to according to our own feelings; unlike when we are little, we just need to cry to get a whole box of candy.

This is but another post of one of my many ranting(s) about my tertiary education issue. It’s hard to see that one clear choice of mine means losing my parent’s dream home. If I am adamant into going to Curtin University, I would have to endure the look of mum’s face of losing her dream home.

Through uncertainties, after visiting education fairs and many Universities’ Open Day, I have reach a verdict that if I were to get into private University, my parents would have to sacrifice a lot just to pay for my cost of living alone, not yet mentioning the course fee.

When my dad, after long consideration decided to give up on purchasing a new house, I was a little heart-shaken. When my dad tell my mum that he decided to give up the purchasing of the new house for the sake of me and my brother, I could see a little glimpse of disappointment on her face. I feel like I am responsible. You see, living closer to town, with a beautiful house has always been my mom’s dream, and also our family’s goal. Finally we found one, and I have to take it away.

Oh how I wish I am superman, or the rich super-villain.

I am applying for cheaper courses at cheaper universities like Uniten or UTP and Public Universities. But, these applications are not as certain as my Curtin University’s application, which is a for sure to get in. My USM,UTP and Uniten application stands a chance to get rejected. My UPU’s application may result into getting a course I didn’t choose, a lousy course. If my applications on these Public U and GLC’s Universities is successful, then our dream home can materialize.

Money, a love-hate object.

Scholarships? I do apply for them. Working hard on them too. But my STPM result may not qualify me for any at all. It will be one grand miracle if I got shortlisted for any.

Oh boy. Life is hard on me. My STPM, my lowest point of life; now the follow-up dilemmas. I will need to, have to, become 1^st class scholar so that I will not let my parents down, so that I could get a scholarship when I am doing my 1^st degree. My sole aim now, first on the list when I am university. My parent willing to give up their dream home for me, I must never forget that.

I hope light will shine on me, and matters will be much easier for me. I pray for it. Always.

Through the lense

Went to Sibu, Miri, then back to Kuching in 5 days via the Red Wira.

Names

I was wondering how many people share my Christian name. So, I Googled ‘eric’. And came out this ‘Results 1 - 10 of about 197,000,000 for eric’. I guess ‘Eric’ is a very common name to have. And, I am just 1 out of millions. I still remember in my Form 5, I share classes with another Eric, and there are 5 Erics in total taking Form 5 in my school.

Then came along nicknames for me. Oh yes, it started when I was in primary 1 when every of my little classmates started to get smarter and learn words. Consequently, the name ‘Eric Soo’ would be the best platform for them to show off their newly discovered skill and words.

My first nick-name: Sony-Ericsson. Haha, I don’t know how they got the idea of associating me with the company name. Maybe the pronunciation of ‘Eric Soo Soon’ as in ‘aeric su soon’ is almost similar to ‘Ericsson’. This nickname I still will hear people pronounce once awhile.

My second nick: Susu. For obvious reason it’s derived from my surname ‘Soo’. Susu, for those who don’t understand Malay, means milk. The creamy milk. This nick lingers around me even till I get into secondary school. It all started with primary 1 when everyone started to learn Malay and till now sometimes people still address me that way. “Eh, soo soo” or “Eh, susu” which is the one they use, I can’t differentiate. But, my friends got more mature and they seldom tease me anymore.

They even got a song sang after my name: Oh yeah, I was in Form 2. One of my friends, funny guy, sang a Hokkien song. When he saw me, he will sing ‘su su yang yang, su su yang yang’.. then it later turns to ‘susu yum yum susu yum yum’ LOL as in ‘milk tasty milk tasty’.

Then, there is this: Kiasu.. Lol, it’s a term that means ‘afraid to lose’ in Hokkien. It can bring good meaning or bad meaning, depending on how the person uses it. But often in my case, its associated with bad meaning. Haha, I first heard people calling me that when I was Form 4. “What’s your name?””Eric Soo.””Huh? Kiasu!!!” ROFL.

This is odd: Erica. I was, am still I think, called ‘Erica’ by a couple of my friends. Hahah, by adding a single vowel, they refer to me as a girl. How did this come along again? Haha, but I join the laughs anyway.

Entirely unrelated nick: Santa. Huh? Why indeed. This nick was given to me about 1 year ago or so. I was told, its because I was introducing ‘Loving Hands Gathering’ about visiting sick children in hospitals to my friends. And they say its like Santa Claus. And they start imagining I’m a Santa giving children presents. That is how it started. I am a little proud of that nick because Santa means Saint. Lol.

I wonder if any other ‘Eric Soo’s out there will have the same experience as I do. (Results 1 - 10 of about 2,560,000 for ‘eric soo’.) Anyway, its not that I dislike or anything about all those nicknames and song . Haha, with little sarcasm and mockery, but that’s fine. In fact, I thank them for giving me names. Haha, maybe this how they chose to remember me, and I appreciate the efforts they put into remembering me. Haha, keep calling me names or even sing, I don’t mind. I might sing-a-long with you too.

I may be a normal plain eric among millions of Erics but I live my life for myself. And it doesn’t matter of how many Erics that share this common name with me, it matter most is how I make this eric name of mine distinctive and significant in my own way .

So world, ‘Santa’ or ‘Susu’ or ‘ Eric Soo’ or ‘Soo Soo’ or the song, I will still give a response. ‘Kiasu’ or ‘Erica’, hmm…, maybe, depends. Hahahz.

Grey Clouds

I have 2 choices.. 1 public U and 1 Private U. Malaysia is an education hub and its impossible not to find tertiary education unless of course you don’t want to study anymore.

For Public U, I have listed and submitted:

USM:

1. Quantity Survey

2. Chemical Engineering

Other Public U:

1. Science (Petro Chemical Major)- UPM

2. Chemical Engineering (Gas Technology)- UMP

3. Quantity Survey -UTM

4. Science (Applied Geology)- UM

5. Science (Geology)- UM

6. Design (Architecture)- UPM

7. Science (Nuclear Science)-UKM

8. Science (Geology)-UKM

All these courses are closest to my heart. They at least caught my attention or at least caught my eyes. My CGPA is 3.25 and I am not positive in securing these courses. Engineering is far out of the equation because all of them require CGPA>3.5 to be safe to secure those courses. So, I am picking those suitable for my CGPA and those my chances are higher.

But then again, before I came to Form 6, I set up my mind to be an engineer. Specifically to be a chemical engineer. I think its because of the lucrative high pay and the rewarding career prospects that I kept on hearing. My decision is mostly because of my Dad, of what he said before: ” I want you all (me and brother) to earn more than me, like I earn more than my Dad, and your sons will earn more than you”. Yes, its all about money. So, I choosen indirectly to be a chemical (petro) engineer because of money. Besides, I am interested in Chemistry since I was in Form 5, other than Biology. Beats me why I no longer find Biology interesting.

I have two other options for my Engineering degree:

Option 1:

Petroleum Engineering at UTP- The cheaper degree

Able to obtain a degree in this University will surely reduce my financial debt after I graduate. It will ultimately shorten the time for me to achieve my life goal which is financial freedom. Admissions will be open and hopefully I will be accepted. *cross my fingers*

Yes, this is what its all about: FINANCIAL FREEDOM

Option 2:

Chemical Engineering at Curtin University of Technology Sarawak – The expensive route

MYR 88k in debt after I finish my degree surely put me in a big debt. My goal will be push further back by 10 years. However, it will be a nice degree and one of the easiest way to achieve Ir. LOL, am I being too ambitious?

Then again, my Dad already gotten me enrolled into Curtin for July intake. I wanted to wait for everything to be settled, offer letters place on the table and researches done before I make my final decision. I want to make sure I make the best and wisest choice. Which courses will ultimately get me a nice job?

My big headache will arrive when I get an offer for 1 of my 8 choices, I got accepted into UTP and Curtin. It will be a 3 tight end fight. Each has its own pros and cons. I’m predicting this headache will be in June LOL. By then, I must finish my researches about those courses. What kind of environment and future each of them will bring.

Maybe its a guy thing for me to consider all this stuffs about money, research and pay rather than select a course out of interest and just go for it. One point is that I carry a family burden. I don’t believe my Dad’s EPF could support both my parents’ golden age and so far, I am seeing no signs of them keeping money for their old age. So, when I start working, I as the eldest would start carry the responsibility of putting my sister to school and making sure my parents are prosperous. Then, I have me to think about.

I just hope I will select the right course as this is the beginning of achieving my goal

I pray for the best, hope for the best and make the best decision.

“But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it.” Romans 8:25

Result of A Great Test and Obstacle

Yesterday (10th march), I woke up early.. 8.30 am.. -Result day- first thing ran across my mind. I quickly shaved, bath, and dressed smartly. 9.30am I am ready. Inside, I am not, very shaky. I keep stalling and stalling until 11.15am then I started my journey to school.  All the way my palms are sweating. My mind go blurry. Inside, I keep praying and saying I don’t fail will be enough for me.

I waited.. And then the principal came with the results of top scorers. Min Huang 3As 1A-. Ray 3As 1A-, Sze Hog 3As 1 A-, Wan Ying 2A 2A-, and Fui Lip 1A 3A-. Top 5 of our school for Science classes. Then reporters came flashing their cameras; eagerly scribbling down remarks from Min Huang and Fui Lip. My pressure keeps mounting. Prayers keep repeating.

Finally I got my hand on my result!

CGPA 3.25. My heart was jumping inside with happiness. Too bad, my boring-cool face can’t express it. Its is much better than my expectations. Of course its not as better than my other peers, but getting a result like that brings hopes and dreams back into my life. I am ready to face whats coming next in life now. I haven’t thank God enough yet. I broke the news immediately to my mum, dad, and my aunt in Sibu.

I do find out some of my friends didn’t get a satisfactory result they want. At least non-that I know fail. That is good enough.

I went for a drink with friends after that. Then went for dinner and then catch a movie. I managed to catch a seminar by SUPP when they are talking about Form 6s. Very informative and revealing. Then went for a drink with friends again. Almost all my day is spent with friends.

At the end, I am glad I took up Form 6 and there are no regrets coming out from it. I learned millions of things that can happened once in a lifetime. Good strong friendships. How much my attitude changed; How much my view towards life changes. My ambitions. I was a bit lost when I started Form 6, but now I am sure of my choices and paths now.

I thank my friends for being there, fighting along side with me. I thank God. I thank my family for tremendous support. I thank my teachers for their guidance. And lastly I thank myself for no giving hard on this hard journey. Kudo

“We give thanks to God and the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, praying always for you,” Colossians 1:3

THEY ARE RIGHT

Flashback to about 4 months ago:

Friend: Who are you sms-ing with?
Me: A friend.
Friend: Who is that? Must be girl one, that’s why you message for so long.
Me: Yea, a girl. But my best friend.
Friend: (haha) Impossible. Boy and girl impossible to be best-friend nia. Can be girl-boyfriend but impossible to be best-friend nia.
Me: Why not? As long as no romance is involve, its not impossible.

I suppose my that friend is correct now. I always think that 2 people of different gender can stay as best-friend. Nothing more nothing less. Seems like this thought came up and bite me awake to reality. I thought I could prove society wrong, but look like it’s a fool’s ambition.

When I found my nicest best-friend, I always think I found a friendship that is pure friendship. Like 2 girls as friends but they bond like they are sisters. I always think after 20 years, we can still be in touch, I bring my family out, she bring her family out, we meet, and we praise each other’s spouse and children. Or at college, I help her understand her boy-friend and she help me in understanding and courting girls. x)

Well, what I thought always stay as thoughts. 8 months ago, we’re so much connected. Able to chat about everything under the sky. Talk about problems, share news and talk to each other when bored (Talk= sms-ing); for almost everyday. Like jie-mei (sisterhood-friendship). But, starting about 2 months ago, everything changes. Out of sudden. My messages came un-replied, a lot, I felt less and less she wanted to chat. Her reason: save credit. Yes, I believe. My nicest best-friend would never lie to me. But how can I get used to this sudden changes? I can’t. So I keep my usual sms-ing to her, hoping to get reply. Naively waiting for the day she reload so that everything would be like 8 months ago. No reply. A drowning man will struggle to stay afloat. I on the other hand keep sms-ing or find her in msn because I really fear that I will lose this friendship I treasure the most.

Last Thursday, I did 3 calls to her until I get a ring. I thought we could play miss-call, because she is usually sporting. Nope, no reaction, nevermind. Last Friday, I got a call from her old school. A call, sort of call interview from her teacher concerning my application as temporary teacher in her old school. Then, I call her, wanting to share the news and to ask her if she knows that there is any vacancy about her school that she could have known of. That time I really thought she ran out of credits because she didn’t reply for days already, I thought calling her would be easier. I called, she didn’t answer. The little guy in my head started ringing the bell that she purposely don’t want to answer. I called again. She off her phone. (This act of hers is what my ex did to me. This act have been imprinted so deep in my life that it have becoming some sort of phobia. Seeing the repetition of it on me is very hurting, no matter who is doing it to me.) So I sent her a message begging her not to do that. Told her its like the repetition of my history itself. And that I do not understand why she do that and that acts really hurt me.
Then she replied: ‘I AM NOT UR GIRLFRIEND. you already make it like i am. i feel really uncomfortable with it.’ I was devastated-still am-. What in the friggin’ way that I did wrong to have such a big understanding. Never in me I regarded her as a girlfriend. I thought what I did all along was like-wise to what I did 8 months ago, and there is no such misunderstanding back then. I read my email, she said I’m being pushy. She is right, I got pushy, in fact I was struggling to keep a best friendship that came to me first time in 20 years of living. I was so much hurt. Maybe it’s my mistake that I didn’t realize my acts would cause such a big misunderstanding. Maybe I do not know how to treat a friend as a friend. Maybe I just suck as a friend. :’(

-What do I learn from this?
I learnt that there is always barrier in communication between 2 different of different gender. Society is right, they are always right.
I also learnt that when I am bored, in problem or want to share news, I must find girlfriend and not share with best-friend. Thank you, I know that now.

-This a sour post?
No, this is not. This is the truth. My testimony. My part of the story. My true feelings. This is the truth of what I feel and how much my integrity as best-friend is hurt. What is in here is what of my heart and mind. And no, I am not asking for justification or vindication. What has happen has happened and I pray that it happened for a good purpose and heading for a good outcome.

-Still best-friend?
She hurt my integrity doesn’t make her less the best-friend she is to me. She just doesn’t really understand my acts. Yes, she will always be my best-friend regardless I am her best-friend or not.

“Therefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and rest your hope fully upon the grace that is to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” Peter 1:13

WHY!! Why am I addicted to this game?

This is Utopia, a multi-player browser game. It does not have cool cool graphics, fancy characters but what I don’t get is this: Why am I addicted to it?? Currently this age I end up in kingdom 6:1 and I am The Legendary S. And, of cause you can’t see the browser, I cropped it out. Continuing, I am playing in the same kingdom with Chin Ngan. Haih…

I played a lot of games. You name it, CS, DoTA, RA2, Ragnarok and many many more. But I can quit those games easily. But this is one game I can’t quit. Usually I just log in once per day and end up playing in it for 2 to 3 hours. I am trying to beat this addiction. Wish me luck

Ironic Day

3 more days and it will be Valentine’s Day. Haha, if I was writing an online journal like this one 2 years ago, I would actually make all the harshest and cruel remark on Valentine’s Day. Well, giving that 2 years ago I had the heartbreak of the century, you would need to understand my condition.

No, I am not having a date this Valentine’s Day. rofl. In fact, I will be working this Valentine’s Day (double pay man, woo-hoo). But, I have to be prepare of what I am expected to see; couples. Yeah. Although 2 years already gone and a heart is healed, but who says there is no scar. There is always these feelings of xian mu or heavy feeling when I see couples. A short sense of feeling that I feel kinda alone.

About a week ago, I actually unexpectedly chatted with my ex-love through MSN. Who? Well, its for me to know, for you to find out. We didn’t keep in touch for 2 years since she broke with me. I was not sure of wanting to add her and chat with her at first because I’m afraid of awkwardness, when she send the invitation, but I felt I better be a gentleman and accept it. We talk and talked about studies, friends, howyadoing that kind of stuffs until she finally asked the question that she intended to ask all along:

her: btw, just out of concern, did i leave u scarred?

she repeated: in f5, b4 we all went our separate ways, did i scar u in any way?

me: yea, haha, i got a heartbreak

me again: but, im ok now

And really, I’m ok now. Got through it for sure, I guess time and God did a great job healing me. Not really feeling the miserable-heart-sour feelings I got 2 years ago anymore. Near the end of our conversation, I wish her all the best in life and hope that she finds a nice guy later in her life.

Back to the main point, after through this experience, I am not really that anxious anymore to jump into love. Yes, there is these feelings of xian mu(s) but its only for temporary. And I don’t think I want to celebrate or make a big deal out of Valentine’s Day when I am dating (I think sometime in the distance future, certainly not this near future). It’s a death anniversary of a Roman priest anyway. I don’t think I want to celebrate someone’s death anniversary by making it a loveday with my love one. Its rather ironic and stupid. Before 2 years ago, I always wanting to go out dating on Valentine’s Day and arrange surprising plans for us (me & ex) both. But know, I smirk at the idea of celebrating it.

The problem is, this death anniversary is too much commercialised. The day itself, florists could earn a month’s profit in 1 day. Restaurants full of love-birds and introducing promotions that are actually sucking cash out of wallets and purses. Jewellery stores earning the extras. Chocolates selling like the latest hot best-seller novel.

No, thank you.  Phew. I am glad I am single (not making it available yet) and clinching on my wallet tightly from florists and greedy restaurant owners. I will pass Valentine’s Day even when I am in love in the future. There are other more important dates and memorable occasions to make a love-date special than 1 person’s death anniversary. If anyone ask me out on that day, I’ll pass. Even if friends want to have a gathering on that day, no thanks, I’ll pass. I will be earning money. I am not celebrating Valentine’s Day ever.

Shouldn’t I post this password protected? lmao. Anyway, for those who do celebrate Valentine’s, I hope your day will be splendid.

Choices… Decisions That Influence One’s (My) Future, Student’s Dilemma

So I happen to be looking at my online public university application. Filled 5 out of 9 sections of the application form. Then I came to the 6th section. I got stuck.

8 spaces with 8 scroll-downs. A lot of thoughts struck my head. Making choices like this aren’t easy. I wish I have the confidence to just select any and will be offer my first choice. Getting into public U will certainly lessen the financial burden that my family and I carry. I don’t come from a rich family. Just in the middle between poor and rich. My dad, the only person earning money into our house has to feed 5 mouths.

I want to be given a course according to my 8 choices. Not a random selected course because I selected the wrong one. A lot of public Us listed, quite overwhelming from UTM to Unimas. I’m scared I would select the wrong one, meaning one that will certainly not accept me. For example, UiTM (remembering the street demonstration the Malay students did months ago about not letting non-bumiputras into their U) and UIAM (for obvious reason that I am not Islam); I don’t want to waste my options. Another thing is from what I’ve heard on the streets from people who said this U not good, that U not good. What if got into one and come out with an unrecognised degree and ultimately can’t be employed? Thinking of it itself gives me goose bumps.

Another is about the courses itself. Should I put all 8 sciences choices that I want? I was thinking putting top 4 on science and the bottom 4 on Art choices. As in top 4 Engineering and bottom 4 Architecture. But, those Us who offered Engineering is a lot, enough to fill all 8. I don’t know. What are my chances if I do so? With my qualification *shaking head* that I’m not so positive about, my chances may be as much as many beggars out there. Besides, from what I’ve heard the ministry gives chances to those graduated from Matriculation FIRST then look at STPMers. We need to freaking compete with Matric students whose syllabuses are light-years away from hard. Unlike STPM.

Hard choices really. I googled those Universities’ names. Look at their websites and browse for credentials. The problem is there is no website that says ‘Don’t go to this U, it sucks because of …‘ or else it will make my choices easier. Every website is inviting. One of my seniors did say to consult seniors for advices. Well, I don’t see any seniors lying about at the moment. If I do see one (online at least), I will certainly not wait for inquiring. Looking at the courses’ requirement struck my heart out. Certainly are high requirements.

What other options do I have besides Public U? Well there are scholarships. Lots of them. Of course, I will apply for them no matter what results I get for my STPM. There are Shell, JPA scholarship for studying in Malaysia. Apart for that, I could enter private U with loan from PTPTN or Yayasan Sarawak, a loan that is a lot.

I have time till 1 week after STPM result is announced to make my head. For now, I think I want to rest and put this aside for awhile. Clear my head for awhile. Research more into this matter. Then make up a wiser decision, which hopefully, may yield optimum results.